Husbands

Published 2/15/17. I know I say this a lot, like every time I publish something, but this one is the weirdest thing. This one. This one is the weirdest thing to end all weird things. It’s gross, obscene, and difficult to swallow. You really don’t want to read this one. It was difficult to write, though also fun.

Read “Husbands,” in The Mondegreen issue 9.

The Mondegreen is one of those lit mags that is consistently putting out risky, insane stuff. It’s beautiful work, and thoughtful, and the editors are amazing.

I wrote Husbands almost entirely at soccer practice, surrounded by soccer moms who had no idea I was writing a story about a woman whose 10th husband removes part of her brain.

The night we were married, he said, “I think you should never love again,” and I laughed.

“That’s pretty romantic of you,” I said. “A little naïve.”

“I’m going to cut out that part of your brain.”

I laughed again but not as confidently. “There’s no single part of the brain that makes you love.” I didn’t know, though. I wanted to look it up on my phone but I’d promised I wouldn’t go on my phone during the honeymoon, not even for work, not even for google.

“I’ll cut out all of the parts.”

“Go ahead,” I said, just to be in control.

It’s a love story! And it’s possibly the first time I’ve ever successfully used text messages (and dick pics) in a story. Real proud of that.

By 3:30 he was just texting me Seinfeld quotes.

At 5, right when I turned off my monitor for the night, my phone lit up with who said “this woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her”?

I’d never seen Seinfeld and wasn’t about to start. You, I wrote.

Enjoy it, and I’m sorry about the brains. Read it here.

And I was listening to Savages, “Husbands,” when I picked the title, obviously.